bored out of my mind: a exploration in why.

It's one of those weekends...just when I'm used to being busy all the time, I find myself with nothing to do.  It's not even that I don't want to do homework (well, I don't- but who ever does)- in fact, I've already read a chapter of religion, 2 chapters of biochem, and reviewed about half a chapter of physics problems.  I went to synagogue, went food shopping, cooked 3 nights worth dinner (microwaving "leftovers" during the week is much easier), and moved my car over to Livingston (a feat in itself, with the new weekend bus schedule).


And yet, I've spent a good portion of the weekend with "nothing to do".


Maybe it's a product of an extremely schedule during the week and most weekends.  Maybe it's just my lack of ability to focus on one thing for a long period of time.


During the week, I revere the short breaks I've given myself in my schedule- half an hour or an hour here and there, but nothing crazy.  Even bus rides between campuses become what I look forward to as a break from academic life.  I always find these reprieves to be insufficient during the week; yet, when I am given more time off, I find myself at a loss for things to do.  When a class lets out even 5 minutes early, I am ecstatic.  Five more minutes to myself!  Yet, hours without scheduled activities leave me struggling to stay sane- much the same feeling I get when I'm sitting in class for that same amount of time.


I think it comes back to the saying, "Too much of a good thing..."  There needs to be a balance between structure and freedom so that neither becomes solely the problem or the reward.  As much as I know I will hate sitting in lecture tomorrow morning, right now, I wouldn't mind at all.


Another hypothesis I have come up with is the "rules" that are in place forcing us to do different things throughout the week.  Because of these "rules", activities that are not enforced become much more appealing.


For example, if I was, right now, given the opportunity to listen to an interesting lecture, I would go- because it sounded interesting and I wanted to hear it- not because I must.  Tomorrow morning, I am expected to attend all four of my classes and marching band rehearsal, and there are consequences in place if I do not (a zero on a quiz, points against the attendance percentage my final grade).  As usual, I will be at all of those classes tomorrow...waiting for them to end so that I can have my 5 minute, 30 minute, 45 minute break.


And, as easy as it would be to skip class and turn that 5 minute break into a 2 hour one, I won't.  Because I'm used to fitting what I need to do into shorter periods of time.  What would I do with those extra 115 minutes?

I've come to realize...

I've come to realize that my hair:  can be a more valuable resource to someone else then it is to me.

I've come to realize that when I talk:  I'd like people to listen to me, not just hear what I have to say.

I've come to realize that I've lost:  the ability to let go.

I've come to realize that I hate it when:  people make fun of things that I take seriously.

I've come to realize that money:  is worth saving.

I've come to realize that when I get old:  I hope I don't regret anything that I did or didn't do earlier in my life.

I've come to realize that I'll always be:  determined to accomplish my goals.

I've come to realize that the last time I cried was:  over something important at the time, but silly now, as I don't remember the situation.

I've come to realize that my cell phone:  keeps me sane during long hours working at camp or sitting in class.

I've come to realize that when I wake up in the morning:  I don't ever want to get out of bed.

I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night I:  wish there was more time in the day to get everything done.

I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about:  the fact that tomorrow is my last day at Creek Run this year, and possibly forever if I end up working in my lab next summer.

I've come to realize that my life:  has the potential to be full of adventure, if I make the correct decisions within the next few years.

I've come to realize that when I get on Facebook:  I won't get anything productive done for at least a few hours.

I've come to realize that today I will: [ah well, today's nearly over.]

I've come to realize that tonight I will:  bake cookies and watch Project Runway.

I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:  spend my last day at Creek Run playing with my campers and saying goodbye to my friends.

I've come to realize that I really want to:  travel and see the world.

I've come to realize relationships:  are difficult to develop.

I've come to realize that love:  is based upon trust.

I've come to realize my best guy friends:  are determined and set in their ways.

I've come to realize my best girl friends:  are always there for me to talk to when I need to.

I've come to realize that my friends in general:  are paving their own ways, but are still willing to stick together.

I've come to realize food:  brings people together.

I've come to realize that summer:  is too short, and makes memories that are hard to let go of.

I've come to realize heartbreak:  is something that I don't want to deal with any time soon.

I've come to realize that crying:  is a good emotional release, but doesn't actually change anything.

I've come to realize that death:  is final; and nothing can change the regrets that it causes.

I've come to realize that I'm sick:  of feeling like I've let people down.

I've come to realize when I'm bored:  I tend to think too much.

Growing.

This summer has really flown by, and honestly- I'm not mentally prepared to go back to school in a little over two weeks.  Not just for the normal reasons of not wanting to go to class, or eat dining hall food (etc), but because this summer break has really been the only time in over a year that I've been able to spend actual time with my family.  I was traveling over winter and spring breaks this past year, and while it's something I love doing, I think the amount of time I've spent with my family this summer is going to make the transition back into school life more difficult than it has been for me in the past.


We were visiting with family friends earlier in the summer, and one of the adults commented that after this summer, wouldn't I be done living at home, because I would have to stay at school more to do research.  On one hand, I would probably enjoy the freedom of living in my own apartment- and I get a taste of that, to some extent, living in the dorms during the semesters.  On the other hand, however, I like knowing that I still "live at home"; that's still where I belong, and I'm not tied down to some other place instead.


Honestly, I probably won't be living at school over breaks like some people do or expect me to do.  Being at home with my family- as much as I complain about it- is more comfortable and more my style (most of the time).  Even when I am at school, I talk to my mom every day.  The way I see it is, it's growing up but not growing apart.  The independence is nice, but so is having somewhere to go back to.